What the hell am I doing? This is a question I find myself asking more and more lately, strangely enough the more I ask the more confusing the answers become. Now, this question isn’t 100% introspective and meaningful, a good amount of time it’s literally just that I walked into a room and forgot why or i ordered a third, fourth, … I cannot remember how to spell… fifth, okay yeah that’s it, I found it. Phew. This is a perfect example of me asking myself this question, I can’t even spell fifth, why did I include it in this paragraph? why didn’t I just go back and change it to another analogy, well that, that I can answer – for me being honest, being embarrassing and owning who I am is incredibly important because even though I don’t always know what i’m doing, I will always know who I am. Oh by the way, iI was talking about ordering drinks, 5 drinks, dear god I am so together right now.

There is this constant, crippling feeling that I need to know exactly what i’m doing with my life, where I want to be, why I want to be there and that is the biggest pile of shit i’ve heard in a while. Its okay to feel lost, its okay to not know what you want but it isn’t okay to make other people feel inadequate because they aren’t where you are or they don’t want the things you want. There is nothing wrong with your win for today being that you woke up and brushed your hair, hell you didn’t even have to brush your hair, if your win today is waking up, take that win and don’t let anyone diminish it. I have this theory that no one ever really has it together and once you accept that you can actually start living your life the way its supposed to be lived. Sure there is always going to be pressure, there might always be people you see and you wish you could be like but I cant stress enough, one persons success is not your failure. Just as one persons goal, does not have to be yours. Own your mistakes, own your flaws and own your life.

One of my troubles recently (by recently I mean like for the past 10 months, so you know, same, same) was that I hadn’t written in a while and it was because I started a new job and honestly, I didn’t know if what i had to say was even worth saying anymore. The thing was, no one was saying that to me, no one asked me stop or said they didn’t care but I somehow created this reality in my head where it wasn’t the right thing for me to be doing, I was simultaneously wrong and right at the same time, my life story. You see if I convinced myself that my thoughts aren’t worth being shared, they aren’t. I made that decision for myself, like a jerk and today I realized that sometimes the only reason you need to do something is because it feels right. This feels right, being back writing feels right so here I am, sharing all my thoughts with you guys once again and I can’t thank you enough for being here, with me.

Thank you for your patience, for your love and we will be talking very, very soon.

xx your gal, AL