Its been a while since i felt like writing, actually its been a few years since i’ve really felt like i wanted to put myself out there. The funny thing is, there is no ‘there’. i don’t know if i’m ever going to share this, post this or even just let someone else read it, but its a really good feeling to know that i don’t have to until i’m ready to and if i’m never ready, thats okay too. 

you might be wondering what brought me back to this computer or you might not, but i’m going to tell you anyways because i literally can do whatever i want and also you’re reading this, so lets just get on with it. Today i got one of those notifications about this day 5 years ago and i opened it and started reading, it was actually one of my blog posts (ironic, but i’ll touch on that another time), and it just brought back such a good feeling, like a blanket right out of the dryer on a cold day, i felt warm and i felt cozy. The post itself is kind of funny because obviously myself 5 years ago and myself now are two very different people in person, but on paper, its catching up with an old friend and remembering all the things you had in common. Laughing at the same dumb jokes and all the feelings i felt while writing were suddenly back, what i’m saying is i’m obviously insanely talented and i can’t believe i’m giving away this gold for free, but someone has too. 

my whole life was spent writing songs, poems, in my diary and then online. I’ve always wanted to have my own voice because when i was younger i didn’t know how to express myself at all in public, but i always had my note books, my safe spaces. Well thats until some little shit my sister was friends with read my journals and told everyone at school all the boys i had a crush on, but i got over it.. unless you’re reading this kaylee, that was a bitch move, not cool. Okay, now i’m over it. The weirdest part of writing this right now is that it is coming naturally, it feels like I’m supposed to be writing and i guess i didn’t know what to expect. Now that i’m here, the truth is, i just didn’t want to talk about writing and about trying to make it more of a hobby in my life, i wanted to talk about Mothers Day.

As some of you may know, my mother passed about a year and a half ago. She wasn’t healthy, mentally or physically and she wouldn’t have been able to be healthy. Sometimes, even though its hard to accept, there are people who are broken and cant be repaired. Now, this wasn’t for a lack of trying on her part, i believe she really wanted to be better but Mental Health Issues don’t always allow you to do what you want to do when you want to do it, pair that with addition and you’ve got a mixture of childhood trauma that if turned into a movie would have the critics raving but alarmingly, way too many people would be able to relate to. Mental Health Issues and Addition often can go hand in hand and if you’re reading this and someone comes to mind, reach out. See how they’re doing and if you’re able, tell them you love them. Not everyone gets that chance. 

This month is Mental Health Awareness Month and Mothers Day is roday, so kind of a perfect storm for me. The thing is, i love a good storm. It can be exhausting and draining in the midst of it, but i’ve always tried to remember to take time for myself and find shelter if i need it. As a little girl though I used to love dancing in the rain and maybe its time to give that a shot again and maybe it isn’t, but all i know is that i need to take it day by day and week by week until the sky starts to clear and the air is lighter. Remembering someone who has done a lot of damage is tough to navigate, for me it does quite honestly come in waves. One day i’m walking down the street and i remember that i’ll never see her walking towards me or I’m with my friends and my dog and I get sad that she’ll never see this or meet them but sometimes i’m angry that she got to just leave without getting better and i didn’t get that apology i wanted. Then, the hardest one, sometimes i forget. I forget what she did, who she was and thats she gone. Thats the thing about time, it goes on and things change, the world doesn’t just stop and grieving and healing look different for everyone. 

I think its a good thing, a good thing that i’m still grieving and i’m still healing. It reminds me that i’m human. Because I’m doing well, I’m happy, I’m healthy and i still struggle with my mental health and always will. There isn’t a magic cure for me, same as there isn’t for a lot of people, but i’m very thankful that i have options that my mom didn’t. We are at a place now where we can talk more openly about mental health and our feelings and although it isn’t completely de-stigmatized, i think every time someone speaks openly and from the heart about their feelings, whether to their therapist, their computer or their friends, we get closer to a better and safer world for all of us.

If you made it this far, i’m really glad that you did and i’ll end on one of my favorite sayings, that i tend to repeat to myself when i’m feeling particularly down, three steps forward and two steps back, is still one step forward. Its okay if you don’t get where you want to be tomorrow, but don’t stop moving forward, and celebrate your wins. No win is too small or too insignificant to celebrate, sometimes brushing your hair is the win and sometimes the marathon is the win, its important to acknowledge the things that make you feel safe and that bring you joy and i truly hope that this month and every month ahead you spend a little extra time on yourself and find your safe space on those stormy days.

Thanks for being here, come back anytime. 

xoxo your gal, AL