Its 9:34pm, i’m sitting in my bed procrastinating what i’m going to write, if i’m even going to publish this and suddenly I realize, I have zit the size of Mars on my face. Thats not even an exaggeration*, but it was enough to take my mind off writing my first post and instead looking online (wud up pinterest) for instant remedies. Spoiler alert, they don’t work. Just like many every day situations, if you want the best possible outcome you need to be patient and you need to take care of yourself; otherwise you’re going to end up with a life full of painful zits and yes some might be smaller than the others but all of them have the power to leave scars if you let them. This is a lesson, like a legit lesson in life that I am currently learning. Let me tell you right now, I’m the least patient person in the world. If I want something I need to have it, like yesterday. And every single time, without fail, I have rushed something and jumped into the deep end, I have been scarred. Not necessarily in a bad way, but its left a mark nonetheless. Today marks a big day for me, a day that I actually planned and have prepared for, for months, honestly, years. Which is terrifying and also slightly arousing because this means I’m becoming something I swore I never would be, a responsible adult*.
My name is Amvia and this is Amvias Adventures. Forewarning, this will be most likely my longest post ever, but you need to know who I am.
This blog, for now, is a place for me to put all my thoughts down and to hopefully be able to share them and start some conversations with like-minded people, because I love people and I love communication but I am bat-shiznt terrified of it. I have always been labelled weird, strange, ugly, the list goes on.. I just never felt like I fit in anywhere and this year I realized that it was because I was spending so much time trying to fit in, I wasn’t even being myself anymore, I completely lost myself in the shuffle of wanting to be someone people liked. Which, for those of you who are wondering, was not worth it. I’m 5 foot 3 on a good day, I have goofy teeth, some not always sexy belly fat and I laugh way too loud (sorry to everyone who has ever sat beside me anywhere). I was trying to be someone I saw on either TV, Instagram and for those true Millennial’s, MySpace.. But I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t force myself to be taller, skinnier, sexier and god knows I can’t wear heels for more than 5 minutes, 10 if I’ve been drinking, which I probably have been. After 23 years, I figured I would give being myself a chance and it’s been really effing awesome so far.
Now, before I go any further, this wasn’t some magical transformation, where I woke up one day and was like, “Holy balls, I’m great!”, I’ve always known I was great, but I’ve always been scared because the thoughts that would go through my mind went something like this, “What if they don’t think I’m great?” or “What if they think I’m egotistical because I say I’m great?” There was no winning. Either way I was wrong, so I didn’t say anything. I just agreed that I was what everyone else said I was; the 12-year-old slut who dropped out of school to have an abortion? Oh yes, right here. It had nothing to do with the fact that I needed to be home to take care of my mom and my 3 siblings. The 16-year-old prude who won’t sleep with her boyfriend even though they’ve been dating for like 2 months already? Hello, sounds right up my alley. Update, HE WAS GAY! He didn’t want to sleep with me just as much as I didn’t want to sleep with him. But that was my life then, kids were mean, adults were worse and I was too damn scared to do anything about it, so I let it happen and I thought it never bothered me, until one day, 23 years old, in a club surrounded by people who I had nothing in common with, a girl came running up to me and said “Amvia, you just don’t fit in, you’ve never fit in with any of us, why did you come out tonight?” and I nervously and uncomfortably laughed and said “I don’t know” and she laughed and she ran to go back with everyone else and I realized that I truly had no idea why I came out that night. I had no clue why I felt the need to do something I knew I didn’t want to do and I knew she was right, I didn’t fit in, but I didn’t want too anymore.
Flash forward to today, sitting in my bed, in a new city, starting something that I have no idea where it’s going to take me or what its going to do to my life, but I’m doing it because this is me and this is my adventure; I hope you choose to come along with me.
xx, your gal AL.
*Disclaimer, it was an exaggeration.