“I hate my body, I hate myself. I am fat, I am ugly, I am worthless.”
Just a few of the things I used to say to myself up until about a month ago. I’ve always been confident in my mind; I know I’m funny, I know I’m smart but I’ve never known that my body wasn’t something I needed to be ashamed of.
These days you’re seeing more and more woman, men and all those in-between accepting themselves in ways that were once unimaginable. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as seeing someone show their flaws on social media to make you feel like you’re not alone. I’ve seen hundreds of girls showing that they have rolls on their stomach and they have insecurities too but it’s never made me feel any better about myself. The truth is, only I can make myself feel better about myself. Only I can allow myself the space to feel happy and beautiful. No amount of “likes” or comments are going to make me more confident in how I look, simply because, with each like comes a dislike and with more of one comes more of the other.
I believe all people are beautiful, well, I believe most people are beautiful. I never have personally met Hitler, but it’s safe to assume, not a beautiful man. The point is, if you’re kind and you work hard, you are beautiful. Its science, kind of, not really. Whatever.
It’s so difficult though to live in a world of social media and see the lives of people who you are bound* to become envious of. These people are brilliant, they’ve made a life out of sharing (mostly) the highlights. Some people don’t want to acknowledge the intelligence that is required to do that, however, it is a lot of dedication and a lot of thought that goes into deciding what you are going to share with the world, to basically make more people want to be like you. It’s hard to stay true to yourself when you’re spending your time trying to stay true to the following you’ve gathered. Its hard, not impossible.
My social media following is not huge, it’s based on people I used to know. I say used to, because if I were to run into the majority of them today, I would hide and pretend I didn’t see them. This is because I am an asshole, but it’s also because I find it very difficult to be myself around people who already have an idea of who I am. This is another struggle I have when it comes to this blog. This blog is for me, realistically, but it’s also for literally anyone who wants to read it. I don’t care who sees this as long as it isn’t bringing anyone down or making someone feel like they are less than incredible. I’m not here to preach, I’m just here to tell you stories and hopefully make you laugh, sometimes.
If you told me a year ago, I would be sitting here writing this blog, sharing this photo and my stories with anyone, I would’ve laughed. I would’ve told you some elaborate response about how crazy you are and maybe when pigs fly I’ll be confident enough to share myself with other people. Then boom, I’d have to admit I was wrong. Which is the least fun thing to do, ever, frankly and I’m always wrong, so I know. I spent my entire life looking to celebrities and models for inspiration, when really all I had to do was look around me. I’m surrounded by beautiful people, my sister, my mom, my best friend, my neighbours, my dads, my brothers, my dogs and I never noticed how lucky I was, because I was too caught up in feeling sorry for myself because I didn’t have the body I thought I should, now looking back, I feel like a doofus for it.
Honestly, there are still a lot of things I want in my life, body confidence was huge and sure it’s always going to be a bit of struggle, but next on my list I’d like to make a 6 figure salary, jump of a yacht and survive…. be invited on a yacht, meet the man of my dreams, literally, I had a dream last night and the guys last name was Aiden, his first name was either Scott or Stephen.. something with an “S” so you know, hit-cha girl up. The list goes on and that’s kind of exciting. So go out and celebrate small wins, like not saying something negative about yourself for one whole day or sticking to the workout you said you would, even just getting out of bed each day. A win is a win and you deserve it.
Thank you so much for listening and please always feel free to share, I’d love to hear what struggles you’ve overcome or you’re working to overcome.
xx your gal, AL.
*this is an exaggeration, I’m sure not all people are bound to become envious of, but I am weak and I am envious and green is so not my color.